Your Depressed Teen and You
Mary Schuelke, LMFT, is one of our therapists who specializes in teens with depression and their families. John Alexander engaged her at the very end of Mental Health Awareness Month to get her thoughts on the teen mental health crisis in America, and how families can be a part of the healing process on the home front, using the spiritual resources of the Christian faith that are far more powerful than we often realize.
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John: Mary, how did you first become interested in working with teens?
Mary: To become licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, you have to have a certain number of hours working with family and couples clients. That’s when I began working with teens and I just really thought they were fun to work with. It's really a neat time of life, right? They're doing a lot of advanced thinking, but they're in an “already but not yet” phase—they’re becoming adults, but they're not quite there yet. And usually teens are not as set in their ways as grownups. Sometimes as a therapist, you'll suggest something and they'll be like, “Okay, I'll try that.”
John: Let's say a family is interested in referring their teenager for counseling, because their teen is struggling with, say, depression. What are some questions that you have for the parents? I mean, do you have curiosities of what’s happening in the family as a whole?
Mary: It is almost impossible to separate the parts from the whole. Even if I'm seeing an individual adult for therapy, they have a family history and they bring it with them. Virginia Satir talks about families being like a mobile over a baby's crib, and how if one part of that mobile moves, everybody shifts. Families are so integrated. And I think we can see that in our own lived experience, like say a parent goes through a traumatic event or is injured — that deeply affects how the family is organized. So, separating a person and just saying, “this person has depression,” may miss other things going on in their life.
John: How often are parents and other family members willing to look at the whole family, when maybe just one member is experiencing depression?
Mary: It is really hard for any of us to look inside and see how we might be contributing to a problem. It is much easier to say, “my child has this problem.” Whatever else is going on, we have to ask questions about the whole, not just the part.
John: For that reason, do you often request that more family members attend the counseling sessions, and not just the teen? I'm sure it depends on the situation, but tell me more about that dynamic…
Mary: Yeah, I think so much work can be accomplished in family sessions. There's absolutely a place for individual work. But I can recall one situation where there was a miscommunication between a parent and a child because something just wasn't heard. This is some of my favorite work—helping people hear, see, and know each other better. This is where healing can begin. There's real safety in therapy, to process things that you maybe wouldn't want to do in other times and spaces.
John: So the final question I have is more about day-to-day life in the home. In addition to good therapy when it's needed, what “low hanging fruit” can a family reach for as they look to cultivate emotional, mental, and spiritual health with their teens? In other words, what kind of preventative care do you recommend?
Mary: There are a few things that I like to discuss with pretty much every person. We talk about diet, exercise, sleep, screen time, social engagement, and spiritual engagement, because these things are elements of a healthy life. I also really like to teach people the basics about how our thoughts and our feelings impact each other. This has a really good track record for treating depression. But there is a third thing, and this is where I think families can have so much power. I think about family rituals, family culture, and family connection. Don’t give up your family meals and other family traditions. These things help people feel grounded, like they're really part of a family. Specifically, think about “time and technology” — these two come up all the time. We are such a busy culture; we’re always coming and going. Can we foster more simplicity in our schedule, and rest more? I recently read The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by Jon Mark Comer, and I was reminded how the wisdom of the Sabbath particularly impacts our relationships with our children. This grounds us in the Lord together. And then, technology: let’s not have the TV on at dinner. Let’s minimize having our phones out during times of family connection—maybe even in the car. These are basics, but they’re basics for the whole family, not just for the depressed teen.
John: Yeah, it’s interesting—in that book Comer discusses the spiritual disciplines we tend to be more familiar with, like Sabbath, silence, solitude, and stillness, but then he makes an interesting biblical case for the discipline of “slowing,” which I found helpful.
Mary: Listen, I don’t want to communicate that parents are doing a bad job. Parents, your work is hard, and so many of you are doing a great job in the midst of adversity. Also, I'm a mom, so I get that sometimes you want to just look at videos or read articles or text people back. I get it! I just think we're missing a lot of opportune moments that are not always obvious. Our kids and teens are not always going to say, “Mom, come here. I need you.” It’s the looks that we’re sometimes missing—the eye contact. This has a real impact.
John: And these things are doable. You’re giving us simple steps that we really can do, to reengage kids and teens in simple moments, in ways that are far more significant than we may think. Thanks Mary!
