When (Not If) You Don’t Know How to Help
“What do you think is going on with me?”
I asked the question at the end of our second session together. I was 33 years old and had recently been struggling with a lot of bitterness and shame that I did not understand, and I was hoping for some quick answers and strategies. He was an older, seasoned therapist who had walked with many leaders through crises and adjustments.
“I’m not sure yet,” he replied.
Had I walked into the wrong office? I had sought out a guy who had seen a couple of things. He must have had a hypothesis or two about what was ailing me. Moreover, I knew that he wanted to help me. It turns out, however, that he was not anxious to fix me.
On the one hand, a counselor should not patronize his or her clients. He shouldn’t say “I have no clue” if he observes obvious pathologies and knows of interventions that are likely to help. On the other hand, she should beware a tendency to throw easy, prescribed solutions at clients experiencing deep helplessness. An obsessively useful counselor can be a terrible thing.
We are each too complex, too unique, too unrepeatable to be read and interpreted quickly. That’s why “I’m not sure yet” is a courageous phrase from someone who truly wants to help us. The good news is, it’s also a useful phrase!
Let me put it this way. There may be 1,000 things that we don’t have in common with friends, congregants, or clients as we sit with them in their helplessness. And of course, this makes us feel helpless as well. The upshot is that the shared feeling of helplessness can become one thing that we do have in common with them, and 1,000 helpful things can grow from this commonality. A posture of deep curiosity…humility…an openness to the leading of the Holy Spirit being among the first fruits…what else can grow?
Beginning this Wednesday 2/26 at 11:00 am, the therapists at Philadelphia Renewal Network begin our free and open “What Do I Do?” Sessions with leaders of churches who want to better navigate difficult pastoral and counseling issues with their people. We’ll tackle difficult issues that your church faces on a regular basis, like suicidal ideation, abuse accusations, issues related to marital infidelity, etc. And I promise that we will have more to say than “I don’t know yet.”
But I can also promise that before we offer easy, pat answers, we will try to find a humble footing that emphasizes curiosity, humility, and God’s Big Story that gives context to our personal stories of confusion and suffering. Fixing is not so great a thing as communion, which is usually a prerequisite for healing. Isn’t that difficult to remember?
Let’s remember together, at least once a month. Join us this Wednesday and every fourth Wednesday for these “What Do I Do?” Sessions. Read on below about our February 26 gathering, and reach out to jalexander@philadelphiarenewalnetwork.org for more info.
With hope,
John Alexander, for the PRN Team
