When Counseling Replaces Community

We love counselors. We are counselors. But your spiritual family offers things we can never provide, and our work often depends on theirs.

________________________________

One of my favorite things about counseling is discovering my clients’ uniqueness. Each of them is broken and flawed. Each is also amazing. In fact, unless I identify specific ways that they are amazing — their unique gifts, how they’ve been refined through difficulty, their courage to risk love or forgiveness or repentance — I do not believe that I can really help them. This is not ego-stroking. It’s just noticing the subtle evidence of the Holy Spirit that tends to be ignored in times of crisis.

Sometimes I fail to notice. But when I do, that’s when an appointment becomes a connection and dialogue becomes “trialogue” in communion with God and the other. In these moments, I don’t just have to be there; I want to be there. I’m in. There’s a relationship. A friendship, even. But of course there are clear limits to how far this friendship with a counselor can go. For example…

I can’t go to your kids’ sports games and root for them alongside you.

I can’t linger at your dinner table after an unhurried meal, sharing embarrassing stories that are old enough to laugh at.

I can’t bring you a casserole when your loved one dies. And even if I could, I likely can’t be the one who sits right behind you at the funeral, or calls you every year on the anniversary of their homegoing.

I am not going to help you move.

We likely will not worship, serve, or practice solidarity with the poor in the same place.

I’m just not that kind of friend. These are privileges of chosen family members. In part, it’s what your church is for. And even dysfunctional church families tend to do some of these things pretty well.

Last month I suggested that mental health terms are replacing the vocabulary of faith. Whenever “what works?” crowds out “what’s meaningful?”, faith suffers, and there are steep hidden costs to individuals and communities. Today I address the relational cost.

Be honest. Have you ever asked yourself, “Why are church relationships important?” Perhaps you’re working with a therapist who already supports you through adversity and transition, and you wonder, “What additional support do I need from church people, especially the ones who are awkward and difficult to love?”

The Scriptures actually assume we all ask these questions. That is why there are over 50 “one anothering” commandments in the New Testament (encourage one another, love one another, etc.). It’s also why the apostle Paul repeatedly describes the Church as one body with varied indispensable parts. 

I’ll let those Scriptures speak for themselves; here I’ll focus my comments on just two clinical reasons why a community is more important than a counselor.

1) Community is foundational to therapy. Your counselor will tell you that there is a low ceiling to the progress you can make in therapy without community support, even if it’s the support of just one or two trusted friends.


To be clear, we know that your lack of connection isn’t necessarily your fault, and good work can begin even if you feel all alone! But we have it on good authority that the law of Christ (which is love) is fulfilled by bearing one another’s burdens, which also means allowing your own burdens to be borne by others. Knowing this, your counselor can walk with you while you create or restore your community if you have none. Your flourishing depends on it.

2) Community lasts longer than therapy. Ideally, your church relationships will last longer than your relationship with your counselor. Of course, some of us need to be in counseling for a long time. And some clients schedule periodic check-ups for their psychiatric care over the course of many years. It’s a privilege to work with you for as long as you need us! But for most, therapy lasts for a season and then ends. At that point, your care will be entrusted fully back to your chosen family. Will a community be there for you?

Friends, believe me, I know that your church relationships are sometimes why you are in counseling. How could it be otherwise? As with a family of origin, these are covenant relationships that significantly impact you for good or ill.

So, should we pursue a supportive community at all, if it involves the risk of messy relationships? Is community worth it? Is love worth it? Sometimes therapy lingers on these questions for a long time. And while we wait for answers, my work is to remind you of the things that I can and cannot offer you as a counselor…

My love is yours, and so are my prayers — you can never, ever buy those. But you are buying my time.

The games, the funerals, the casseroles…I’m just not going to be that kind of family. But with Christ helping us, I’d love to help you in the search for one.

In Christ,
John Alexander

ps: Central to the PRN model of counseling is the “therapy-church bridge”. Feel free to call us any time to discuss our church partnership model, if your church isn’t already part of our network.