Why Your Church Needs Sexual Recovery Ministry…and How We Can Help
“What is your church facing in terms of mental, emotional, and relational health? And how can we help you meet those challenges?” That’s what we’ve been asking the leaders of all 29 churches in our Church Network as we meet with them, one by one. Near the top of the list of needs are resources for battling unwanted sexual behaviors like pornography use, spontaneous hookups, sexting, etc. It’s an age-old problem with some newer manifestations.
In response, PRN has partnered with several local organizations to begin sexual recovery groups for both men and women. As these groups get ready to start up this fall, we interviewed two of our partners, Denny Kriczky and Lauren Hays, who both work for the organization Cru and have been set apart to facilitate recovery groups across the regional Church, on local campuses, and with men and women serving in ministry.
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PRN: Denny, Lauren, would each of you share a bit about yourself and how you got involved in ministries related to sexual wholeness?
DENNY: I grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Like most people, middle school had its challenges. As I sought out friendships and a place of belonging, I was introduced to pornography by some of my friends at that time. This immediately created a huge tension in my life because what I saw was so appealing, but it was also something I knew I couldn’t talk about. This initial introduction led to 15 years of pornography addiction and other unwanted sexual behaviors. In high school, I heard about Jesus for the first time and began following him. As I began attending a church, I didn't know if there was a place inside or outside the church where I could talk about my behaviors. The first messages I received from the Church were along the lines of “we don’t talk about that here” and it’s bad, just don’t do it; you should be able to stop.” So, I experienced a lot of shame when I couldn’t stop, and that led to hiding, lying, and internal despair. By my mid 20s my life kind of crashed, and I finally sought out a recovery group and began meeting with a counselor as well. God used them to examine the core messages from my early life. He began to show me that He is my Father, that He is for me and not against me, that He created me as a sexual being, and that my sexuality points to oneness and union with Him. I never could have found healing on my own, but instead, I needed to be radically honest with others, myself, and God. Then a few years into my sexual recovery journey, God led me to invite other men into this process that I experienced.
LAUREN: I am originally from Kansas City. I am an only child and my parents worked full time, so I came home by myself after school, and didn't have a lot of boundaries set around me. We had a computer, and I stumbled across pornography in the fourth grade, and at that point in my life there were some things going on in my family that were difficult, and so I didn't really have an outlet for how to deal with my sadness. These images online showed me a happiness I had never seen, and I wanted to experience that kind of joy. And for about 10 years I just would run to this, and also to masturbation, anytime that I was sad or feeling stressed or anxious.
In college I joined a Bible study, and there was a female leader who shared with us about her own struggles with pornography, and that was the first time I'd ever heard a woman talk about these things. She walked alongside me, gave me resources and prayed with me, and that is what began my recovery journey. Soon I began to share my story with others, and I would hear other women saying, “You know, we've never heard a woman talk about this.” I entered into full time ministry in 2008 and since then the Lord has continued to give me opportunities to come alongside women.
PRN: Your organization has historically focused on college campuses. But it sounds like your vision is for the church at large, and you’re looking to invite people from any generation into recovery. Is that right?
Lauren: My heart is for the whole church everywhere. I think we need to bring these topics to the surface in churches as well as on campus, normalizing having these conversations in every sphere. We really need to stop saying that sexual brokenness, and particularly pornography, is only something that men struggle with, as that really makes women feel more isolated and ashamed.
Denny: Regarding age demographics, while Lauren and I have both offered groups for college students, we also work regularly with people in their 20s through their 60s. Also, we recently had the opportunity to hear the latest findings from the Barna Group report “Beyond the Porn Phenomenon” which will be released soon. They report that 78% of men and 44% of women admit to using pornography; 39% of Gen Z, 36% of Millenials, 21% of Gen X, and 16% of Boomers indulge in pornographic content on a daily or weekly basis; and 84% of reported porn users say they don’t have anyone in their life helping them avoid pornography. So, the problem of unwanted sexual behavior simply doesn't just go away with age. And therefore, as Lauren said, our vision is for the whole Church.
PRN: So, what resources are out there to help? We are obviously working with you all to offer something new. But who is already doing good work? And what is not working?
Denny: There are several fantastic, Christ centered, trauma informed ministries. Over the past five years Lauren and I have gotten to know the folks at Harvest, north of the city. They are a fantastic ministry, but their waitlist is often quite long. So there’s definitely a need for more in-person resources in the heart of Philadelphia. If you ask me, “What’s not working?” I’ll just speak to general approaches…just asking people to hold you accountable doesn’t work, if that’s all you’re doing. That puts the onus on someone else.
Lauren: I agree with Denny. Pure Desire, Harvest USA, Authentic Intimacy are a few great organizations. What’s unhelpful? The purity culture tendency to shout “Just don't do it! Run from temptation, ignore it, find something else to do!” Unwanted sexual behavior is usually a symptom of something much deeper. Why am I choosing to go down this path that I know is destructive and leads to shame? Just “ignoring and running” may also lead to ignoring Jesus and pushing him out of this area of your life. But all of your life is connected, and it all needs to be surrendered to Jesus.
PRN: Can you each share what’s beginning this fall, and how you’re partnering with PRN to make it happen? And if a man or woman is reading this and interested in exploring next steps to getting support, what should they know?
Denny: On Wednesday, October 2nd, there will be a no-commitment introductory meeting. We’ll talk about what the men’s sexual recovery group will look like before the group officially begins the following week on October 9th. It will be a 10-month long group that will meet weekly, and we'll use material called The Seven Pillars of Freedom from Pure Desire ministries. And there is no cost except the materials fee. We expect to have men from many different churches, and John Alexander has been reaching out to PRN network churches to spread the word. You should also know that the groups are confidential—what’s shared in the group stays in the group. And lastly, I’ll say, God's going to show up!
Lauren: At the moment, I am focusing on creating a safe space for other women who may have been struggling silently for a long time. We plan to begin several groups, but in the early fall we’re focusing on one-to-one listening and sharing; this will inform where the groups go from there. Before a woman has to tell me anything, I generally share more of my own story and invite her to proceed however she feels led. So I invite any woman to reach out to me for a one on one conversation.
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You can reach Lauren directly at lauren.hays@cru.org and Denny at denny.kriczky@cru.org or directly register to sign up for the men’s sexual recovery group or women’s sexual recovery group. After a small materials cost, these groups will be entirely free.
