“Pre-Martial” Counseling Is Not a Typo
“Hi, do you offer premarital counseling to engaged or soon-to-be engaged couples?” I love these emails!
Of the many types of counseling encounters here at Philadelphia Renewal Network, premarital counseling often feels like a high point. Couples generally enter these conversations with enthusiasm, anticipating their exciting new life together. And even if there are some difficult issues to work through, the discussions tend to be relatively light, hopeful, and optimistic. “Yes, we offer pre-martial counseling to many couples!” I replied.
Of course, it was a typo. In fact, I’m sure that pre-martial would have autocorrected to pre-marital if I had left out the hyphen, which I will from now on. But it still made me laugh out loud when I read the sent email back to myself.
Come on, it’s funny. “Pre-martial” literally means “prior to war.” How funny would it be if premarital counseling was essentially just a series of conversations about preparing for war? Go ahead, laugh! It’s hilarious…right?
The truth is that all marriage counseling should be pre-martial counseling, for the simple reason that marriage counseling is not mainly about managing conflict. Your marriage counselor is not a sensei, teaching deflection skills to martial artists in preparation for combat. No, she is about the work of something much more foundational—something pre-martial. To be clear, marriage counseling is mainly about choreographing Christ-like love as you journey through life, so that there will be a context of mutual trust, fondness, admiration, and communion before and through conflict. And it is for all couples, whether or not they have already said their “I do’s”.
To be sure, wars will come. But even then, the pre-martial work remains before us. As you and your spouse explain the details of your gridlocked arguments, don’t be surprised if your marriage counselor isn’t primarily interested in the “who said what’s” and is often ambivalent about who was “right”. We don’t really want to be right anyway, do we? What we really want is to be close for the hours, days, and years that follow. (And when you do win a fight, as Tom Hanks once wrote to Meg Ryan, “remorse inevitably follows”.)
In order to be close, we need more than communication strategies that help us fight less. I can not fight with a stranger. I can even not fight with an enemy, ignoring them while hating them.
We don’t just want the absence of a bad thing. Good marriage counseling is about the presence of what we do want…
We want reciprocal self-giving! We want rhythms of true encounter. We want communion with a spouse when we reach for them, when so many other relationships have kept us reaching.
Ultimately, we want the kind of love that Christ spoke of, taught, lived out, commanded, and assured us of—experienced as much as possible within the marriage covenant.
And so, love has to be our preparation and our process if it is to also be the hoped-for outcome at the end of a war, just as sure as Christ is the Way and not only the Truth and the Life.
So then. You’re getting married, huh? Go ahead and look into one of the many wonderful compatibility tools out there. Also turn over all of the rocks to test your agreement on issues like faith, spousal roles and responsibilities, family of origin, finances, sex, and communication. Go for it! It’s really valuable work. Just remember that it is entirely possible to do all of that good work without actually cultivating love. Personally, I am most interested in how you are serving one another (Gal. 5:13), forgiving one another (Eph. 4:32), building one another up (1 Thes 5:11), and in this way making your love increase and overflow for each other in your day-to-day lives (1 Thes 3:12). I mean, exactly how are you doing this?
But what about those of us who are married-at-war? Well, the Scripture passages above work just as well for you, too! And actually, contemporary marriage experts in the secular sphere are telling the same story. For example, The Gottman Institute famously conducted the most extensive study on marital health in history, and founded their “Sound Relationship House” theory on the conviction that productive conflict must be undergirded by rituals of loving connection that nurture a common fondness and admiration. Relatedly, Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy wrote, “We can come up with many techniques to address different aspects of couples’ distress, but until we understand the core principles that organize love relationships, we cannot really understand love’s problems or offer couples enduring help (Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, 34).”
Think of this as a “common grace” affirmation of a biblical truth—love is the pre-martial counseling that we need.
Friends, don’t get me wrong—deescalation of conflict is important. Let’s get better at active listening. Let’s use “I statements” instead of “you statements” to get through those misunderstandings. And be assured that pretty much all we can do is tear each other down once our heart rates exceed 100bpm! But a good pre-martial counselor is choreographing love even when we are flooded with painful emotions:
Where are you, husband, behind all of this sadness protected by anger? And how can love reach you?
What would it cost you, wife, to share the history of rejection that came rushing back when you saw his eyes wander? And how can love wait patiently as you weigh that cost?
How can you respond, spouse, to the other who just offered you these feelings — these fragile pieces of fine china — in hopes that they won’t shatter on the ground?
How can you and your current (or future) spouse learn to be lovingly attentive to the other, as God is for you? This is the work of pre-martial counseling, before and during marriage.
And when it’s there, I promise it’s a whole different fight.
In hope,
John
ps: We celebrate that there are many faithful and skilled marriage counselors in our region. We’re just honored to be among them. Always feel free to reach out to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists!
